Opportunities present themselves in many ways

And opportunities present for many reasons

Today

I was presented with an opportunity to learn something new about me

To see something

Understand something

As if for the first time

Heading out

As I travelled further away from my safe base

Fear invaded

Infected

And as though hands multiplying inside and outside of me

The intensity grew

So that it became more and more disabling

More and more controlling

Holding me

Crushing me

Overwhelming me

To the point of pain and breathlessness

What is this fear

Where is it from

Why is it here

Returning to my box

Where safety reigns

I considered

I pondered

And I found

That it is vulnerability I fear

It is vulnerability that allows me to be open to experiences and development

It is vulnerability that opens the door to authenticity

It is vulnerability that I thought I so desired

So that I could grow, learn, share and find freedom and acceptance

But I have found that the vulnerability that I desired is different to the vulnerability I need

I settled for controlled vulnerability … where I remained in control

I named it safe boundaries

I named it self care

I named it professionalism

I named it wisdom

But in truth

It was always a giving in to fear

Fear of being known

And rejected

Worst of all

By me.

Is controlled vulnerability

Vulnerability at all

Or is it just another means of masking

Of hiding

Of false personhood